SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement
as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come
to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here,
you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired
you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made
to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently
leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job
going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require
at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.
REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In
the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees
whose names being with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable
to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your
time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a
coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In
addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of
three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and
the stall door open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our
employees better understand their paychecks:
Item Amount:
Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax
$45.21
State tax $11.61
Interstate tax $61.10
County tax $6.11
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.11
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $2.22
Down tax $1.11
Tic-Tacs $1.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $0.98
Stadium tax $0.69
Flat tax
$8.32
Surtax $3.46
Corporate tax $2.60
Parking fee $5.00
F.I.C.A. $81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95
Life insurance $5.85
Health
insurance $16.23
Dental insurance $4.50
Mental insurance $4.33
Reassurance $0.11
Disability $2.50
Ability $0.25
Liability $3.41
Unreliability $10.99
Coffee $6.85
Coffee Cups $66.51
Floor
rental $16.85
Chair rental $0.32
Desk rental $4.32
Union dues $5.85
Union don'ts $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern time $9.00
Central time
$8.00
Mountain time $7.00
Pacific time $6.00
Time Out $12.21
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot
air $20.00
Miscellaneous $113.29
Sundry $12.09
Various $8.01
Net
Take Home Pay $0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!!!
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